Saturday, December 30, 2006

Offspring

Dammit to hell, is there no justice in the world?? If there were, I would not simultaneously need both wrinkle cream AND acne cream. I awoke this morning to find that I had sprouted a couple of “appendages” on my forehead overnight. When is this going to stop? Shouldn’t there be an age past which a person should not have to deal with a “blemish” problem? Like maybe the age when your whole face is sagging and you start growing your grandma’s jowls? Will I be 90 years old, in a rest home, my face a roadmap of wrinkles and jowls hanging down around my collar bone, with a big pimple on my forehead or on the end of my nose? At that point, I know I won’t have the dexterity or the visual acuity to pop it or apply the Clearasil, and then what will I do? Just sit there, mentally begging some underpaid orderly to put me out of my misery, probably. All the other feeble old ladies will be laughing behind my back. It’s going to be just awful.

In honor of the impending new year and my resolve to have a better attitude, I’ve decided to take the “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” approach. Since it appears they’ll be around for a while, and I am otherwise bereft of offspring, I’ve decided to give them names. Diddleton Nimrod, the outgoing one, sits proudly directly between my eyes, while the more bashful Razmick Fernando is snuggled comfortably up against my left eyebrow. I’ll try to post the baby pictures tomorrow.

6 Comments:

Blogger Em said...

While I have huge sympathy for your distress, I bet I don't absolutely have to view the 'children' through the macro lens of the camera! Just a nice, wide angle view of you on the sofa will be just perfect. :)

7:06 PM  
Blogger CrimsonKing said...

You better save this moment, because before yo uknow it your little boys will be men. *tear*

10:59 PM  
Blogger ian said...

Indeed, I would be perfectly happy just imagining the cute little buggers.

Ian

11:52 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Just realize that you've earned every single wrinkle and blemish! Slather some raw honey on those kids...and then send pics! lol
Happy new year sweetie!

9:10 AM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Darling, you shouldn’t be talking about our kids like that. You’re going to give them some kind of complex.

12:58 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

nmjdem and ian, You don't want to see pictures of my children?? I'm truly wounded. And to think I was planning to put them on next year's xmas card.

crimsonking, You've got a new stunt double. I almost didn't recognize you. True, the boys will be grown soon. Sigh.

cheesy, Raw honey? That's a new one. I'll give it a try.

slag, Maybe if I abuse them enough, they'll run away from home or something. Somebody call child protective services.

1:15 PM  

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