Monday, January 15, 2007

The Ice Cometh

Well, it’s happened. It’s been a couple of years so we were due. It rained AND the temperature has fallen to 30 degrees, so there’s about 1/16th of an inch of ice coating absolutely everything. And around here, that’s the first sign of the apocalypse. Chaos ensues.

Cars start randomly running into each other. Everything is cancelled. We all huddle around our radios and television sets like underground freedom fighters, waiting to hear the word that friendly forces will soon be marching through the city to liberate us.

The local newscasters are reporting everything as if the second coming is imminent. They interview someone who saw someone else drive their car into a tree, and ask some shelled-shocked dude how he feels about his brand new pickup being smashed. They’re broadcasting close-ups of ice covered cars, trees, power lines, road signs, awnings, mail boxes, playground equipment and anything else that will stand still long enough for them to get that shot. They start airing tips on how to avoid frostbite, things like “Wear mittens, not gloves” and “You lose 126% of your body heat through the top of your head, so be sure to wear a hat.” We get hourly reports from the airport, telling us that, amazingly, all flights are running as scheduled. It’s just thrilling.

And oh dear lord, the local weather people are absolutely coming in their pants. They haven’t had anything this exciting to report since that hurricane threatened to bring us a couple of inches of rain about five years ago. They’ve got all this weather-displaying technology at their disposal and they’re going to use it. They’ve got pie charts and historical temperature graphs. They’ve got storm-tracking Doppler weather team radar and they’re going to use it to bring us all the life-saving, up-to-the-minute information they have to give. Over and over again until our heads collectively explode. That’s how much they care.

And then they trot out the historic video of the “blizzard of ’59” from the archive, so we can see how much better we have it than those poor people did back then.

I didn’t pay any attention to the local news report last night, but I’m sure it showed videos of people crawling all over each other at the local grocery store, denuding the shelves of canned food and bottled water, the whole thing probably highlighted with a human interest story about a fist-fight that broke out over that last box of Lucky Charms. Please, can’t we all try to have good will towards our fellow man in these times of crisis??

OK, I know ice is dangerous. You really can’t drive on it at all, no matter what kind of vehicle you have. It’s even worse in an area where people only have to deal with frozen stuff coming out of the sky once every couple of years. This morning there was an eight car pile-up on a highway not far from our house that sent ten people to the hospital.

Here’s a thought: STAY HOME.

I have no intention of leaving the house today. I’ve got one bottle of cheap red wine left. I’ve got seasons three and four of Scrubs on DVD. I’ve got my bunny slippers. I’ll be fine until this phase of apocalypse passes.

P.S. Slag thinks he’s going out later to find an empty parking lot and practice his ice-driving skills. I humbly beg to differ. I predict there will be an ass-kicking in this house today. Whose ass, I can’t yet say.


Blogger Stucco said...

Jeez, I dunno. I know Slaghammer's back is hurtin, but I view these occasions as opportunities to keep warm with... friction...

Yeah, I'm aware that I'm a complete pig. It's a character (or lack thereof) kind of thing.

1:29 PM  
Blogger ian said...

You have ice? How quaint.

*Colorado native*

5:59 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Ahhh...bunny slippers and wine. You are a true seductress! :)

Yes, I recall from growing up in Mississippi that a mere fraction of a fraction of an inch of ice would bring the state to a standstill. Southern states just are not prepared for the once-a-decade bit of sleet and ice.

And your description of the news and weather is dead on! Even in New England were we normally get plenty of winter weather, they never miss a chance to trot out their equipment. Of course they stand behind their desks to hide those weather hard-ons.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

Don't you love how they blow stuff out of all proportion in the news? Have they nothing else to talk about?

9:32 AM  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

I actually took the time to check out the conversions, and here in Winnipeg it is -40 Farenheit with wind chill, which is not weather any sane person should be going out into. But do they close down anything??? Noooooooooo. And, stupid Canadians, we think it shows we're superior people, because we don't let the cold slow us down. As far as I'm concerned, it just means we're really stupid. Tell that Slaghammer to keep his ass INDOORS while the weather is crazy.

P.S: That Bitch posting killed me. Too funny!!

11:16 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

stucco, Slag's back is on the mend, thank goodness, but it's not up to keeping me warm with friction. I settled for wrestling him for the TV remote. I can only win when he's incapacitated somehow AND I cheat (e.g. biting, hair-pulling, roughly grabbing his delicate giblets). I won last night. Tee hee.

ian, I knew you would be unimpressed. I do remember those pictures of the top of your kid's head sticking out of the snow drifts. But we're just not equiped for it down here.

em, That's right! If I'm really pulling out all the stops, I put on my footie pajamas. :) So that's why the weathermen are always behind their desks during storm catastrophies. I never thought of that.

jazz, They must not have anything else to talk about. I guess hearing about the weather is better than that in-depth coverage of the pothole problem plaguing our streets.

whippersnapper, Canadians are superhumans when it comes to cold weather. I can't even imagine surviving those kinds of temperatures.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Schmoopie said...

You've inspired me to blog about the snow in Seattle. Our neighbors are blaming us for "bringing the snow with us from Colorado" when we moved. It has snowed 4 times since we've moved here. The weather has been very strange all around the country this week. Poor TX! At least you got the day in your jammies. There's nothing better than being able to wear your slippers and not have to deal with being interrupted all day by crazy people at work! (Although Stucco would say it is better to be interrupted for a go at friction but we have 2 wee ones at home.) Ask Stucco about our "Hey" story sometime.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Oooo....footie pajamas! Is it getting hot in here.....????

6:03 PM  

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