Friday, September 22, 2006

A New Category

I think a new list category may be in order. I’ve got the “Things I Hate” and the “Dead To Me” lists, but they don’t quite cover everything. The new list would be something like:

“Things That Make My Head Explode”

or maybe

“Things That Drive Me Bat-Shit Crazy”

Any preferences?

Last week, well before September 23 (the first official day of autumn), I opened my mailbox and what did I find? A fucking CHRISTMAS catalog! And underneath it was another one! For crying out loud, it’s 97 degrees outside. The trees are still green. The grass is still alive. The mosquitoes are still biting. I still need a second mortgage to pay this month’s electric bill. IT’S STILL SUMMER!

What is the matter with these catalog people?? Oh I know, they hired some consultants, didn’t they? Yep, they found some expert Christmas marketing consultants who convinced them that sending their catalogs out in the summer would get the jump on all their competitors and fill all their customers with an unnatural, urgent need for snowman-shaped candles and dinnerware decorated with Christmas trees. The consultants must think their marketing acumen will drive us consumers into shopping-frenzies. They picture us climbing over each other in a stampede to the mall where we will load up on Hickory Farms cheese logs. Big, fat bonuses have probably already been passed out, along with lots of back-slapping and self-congratulating. Yeah, I bet the geniuses that recommended sending out those catalogs have really prestigious business degrees from really prestigious business schools.

Here’s the thing, Christmas Marketing Virtuosos. Driving your potential customers insane with Christmas shopping propaganda in September will not improve your sales numbers. We, the marketees, are still mowing our lawns weekly and sweating when we take the trash out. We’re not yet ready to deal with the familial guilt and the ass-expanding diet of fudge and sugar cookies that the Christmas season brings. We haven’t expanded our asses with leftover Halloween candy yet. We don’t want to mount wreaths on our doors and hang lights on the eaves of our houses yet. We don’t want to buy silver reindeer with candles in their antlers or Santa sweaters. We can only handle one holiday at a time out here, and it’s not your turn yet. So just pipe down and get in line. Yes, that’s your spot there, right behind the Thanksgiving people.

P.S. Please oh please, for the love of God, don’t send me a copy of the same catalog with a different cover every week from now until New Year’s Day. You’re not fooling me. I can see that it’s the same catalog. Please, both the mailman and I are begging you, save a tree or two this year. I only need one copy of your Christmas catalog.


Blogger Irene Tuazon said...

Wow. An Ebenezer Scrooge ranting in mid-September. I can only begin to imagine the sparks that will fly come December.


Enjoying your blog. Keep at it! c",)

11:01 AM  
Blogger CrimsonKing said...

I've already got all the XMas '06 catologs, I'm on XMas '07 now.

BTW You're hilarious.

8:43 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

AMEN sista!!! I for one am already tired of the "count down" to christmas on the radio... and yes SAVE THAT TREE! Even tho I am rather thankful for the massive overtime at work lately lol [<< I'm a mailman, letter carrier... aka PC>> "person person"]

9:05 AM  
Blogger ian said...

Howdy, Jill!

Since I read Slag's blog regularly, I figured I really ought to pay attention to his better half as well.

I hate catalogs. My wife gets DOZENS of the damn things. Fortunately I'm usually the one to get the mail first so I have the opportunity to slide most of them into the trash before she notices and comes for them, fingers clenching like spider's legs and a thin trickle of drool leaking from one corner of her mouth. And every couple of months there is a new catalog that just doesn't make sense for her to get at all. The most recent was one targeted toward black women - hair extensions, hair care products, lots of African-themed stuff. Why she got this I don't know, because her heritage is from the Land of the Valkyries.

Anyway, thought I'd pop in to say hi!

Stop by and say hello

12:25 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

irene: I love Christmas as much as the next person. You won't hear a Scroogish-ish comment from my lips after Nov. 1, I swear.

crimsonking: What, do you have to get on a special list to get catalogs a year in advance? Are you some sort of mutant super-consumer??

cheesy: Thanks for the support. I'm just trying to do my part to prevent injury in the workplace. In 20 years, your back will thank me for making a stand!

ian: Hi! I've seen you around at Slag's place. Those catalog people must share their lists. I get boatloads of bizarre catalogs too. Jeez, mail order a Yoga mat one time, and suddenly you start getting catalogs selling fairy statues and special magnets that make joint pain go away. Who knew?

3:56 PM  

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