Thursday, September 14, 2006


Every now and then, when I'm not looking, all the available job-related crap in my life converges into one big crap-fest. I don’t know, maybe all the stars and planets align, or I maybe accidentally piss off some higher power without realizing it. For whatever reason, more stress lands on my head than I can handle. My stress-coping tools, i.e. liquor, Xanax and compulsive exercise, are completely overwhelmed with the magnitude of the situation, and I lose the ability to cope with anything at all.

Currently, I am experiencing one of those convergences. I’ve dealt more stress at my job in the past week than in the previous six months. I’d say the stress escalation started last Wednesday and the peaked yesterday afternoon about 4pm. There isn’t much coping going on around here today. Not much at all. And I’m not seeing any clearing in the stress forecast for the next week either.

Unfortunately, my aforementioned stress-coping tools have already failed miserably. If one more person demands one more thing from me, or even asks nicely for it, or complains about something that I have or haven’t done, there's no doubt that I’m going to turn into the Tasmanian Devil. There will be spinning and snarling and spitting and screaming. Perhaps even destruction of office furniture. Comments inappropriate for a professional work environment will emanate from my lips. Sensitive people will take offense. I know this is going to happen, I just don’t know when. Therefore, for the next few days, anyone who wants to avoid being the target of the inappropriate comments and property destruction should take the following precautions:

- Don’t tell me to do something for you, in person or via email.
- Don’t ask me to do something for you, in person or via email.
- Don't ask me to redo something I did for you last week.
- Don’t complain about something that I did yesterday, to me or to anyone else.
- Don’t talk to me about anything whatsoever.
- Don’t come near my office.
- Don’t make eye contact with me in the hallway or restroom.

If you follow these few guidelines, I’m pretty sure you will be OK.

On the other hand, if you happen to see me running down the street, screaming obscenities and holding clumps of my own hair in my clenched fists, you’ll know that the melt-down has already happened. In that case, please just tackle me and wrap me in a blanket. Secure the wrapping with duct tape, making sure to keep my hands and teeth restrained inside the blanket. Feel free to cover my mouth with the duct tape too, if the cursing becomes annoying. Then strap me to the top of your car with a couple of bungee cords (it will be too dangerous to put me inside the vehicle) and take me home. Dump me on the front lawn and ring the doorbell, if you can, to let DC know that I’ve been delivered. Then leave. DC will take it from here. He’s experienced with these matters. Thanks in advance.


Anonymous Dean and Joy said...

Anything we can do?

6:45 PM  

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