Monday, August 28, 2006

Things I Hate, Part 3

Yogurt

Yeah, I know it’s good for me. I know it’s a healthy, high-protein, low-fat snack full of good things to keep my intestinal flora correctly balanced. If those Dannon commercials are to be believed, it will also make me young, beautiful and athletic, and it will fill my life with fun friends and a professionally decorated apartment.

Here’s the thing. I think yogurt tastes like rancid milk. I’ve tried the fruit-on-the-bottom variety. I’ve tried the custard style. I’ve tried the extra-creamy kind. I’ve tried vanilla, peach, and raspberry. I’ve tried the “strawberry-rainbow-surprise (now with glitter and sprinkles!).” It tasted like strawberry-rainbow flavored rancid milk with glitter and sprinkles. In a word, I think yogurt is yucky.

A couple of months ago, I saw a commercial for a new kind of chocolate mousse yogurt in which two young, beautiful, athletic women sat around describing all the things that weren’t as good as this yogurt, while they rolled their eyes and slithered their tongues snake-like around in the bottom of their yogurt containers. It was driving them into the throes of ecstasy. I think they might have been having out-of-body experiences.

So I’m thinking I gotta get me some of that yogurt. Definitely. If yogurt and I have any chance of coming together in this life, that chocolate mousse yogurt is the yogurt that will do it. The next time I was at the grocery store I picked up, not one, but two containers of the stuff. That’s how sure I was that this was going to be my breakthrough, that I was about to join the ranks of the young, beautiful, athletic yogurt-eaters all around the world. I was nearly shaking with anticipation as I peeled the foil lid off that little plastic cup of heaven. Oh, hurry, hurry! I stuck my spoon in and got a big dollop of fluffy chocolate bliss and …..

And it tasted like rancid chocolate milk, whipped into a mousse-like consistency. It tasted exactly like yogurt always tastes. It was all a lie! There would be no yogurt delirium for me. It was just another gimmick foisted on the public by the yogurt people, trying to get their products down the throats of people who don’t like yogurt. I felt so violated.

It’s time to take a stand. From this time onward, I give up on yogurt. I just don’t like it. I’m not going to try it anymore, because I’ve just been wasting everyone’s time. Yogurt has now officially earned its place as the first entry on my “Dead to Me” list. Here it is:

Jill’s Dead to Me List:

1. yogurt

If there are any yogurt people listening out there, stop trying to convince me that you can make yogurt that doesn’t taste like yogurt. No matter how hard you try to hide it, that insidious taste is always going to be there. Thanks.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Dean and Joy said...

Does that count frozen yogurt? Is frozen yogurt really yogurt at all? Or is frozen yogurt just a way to get the yogurt people to try something naughty like ice cream?

7:07 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Frozen yogurt is just a ruse by the ice cream people to get the yogurt people to eat ice cream.

4:43 PM  

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