Things I Hate, Part 1

Hummers.

OK, look, unless you live on an unpaved road and have to ford a river to get groceries, you do not need a full-sized Hummer. Hummers are utilitarian vehicles that are useful (and needed) in very specific situations. Those situations do not include being parked in an air-conditioned garage in the suburbs, being waxed once a week to maintain that sleek finish, and being driven to the country club for your 10am tee time on Saturday morning to impress all your golf buddies. Driving a Hummer in a place where there is zero chance of its immaculate tires ever touching the bare earth is like driving a tank to work every morning. It’s like putting a gold-plated front door on your house. It’s strictly for show. It’s complete, unnecessary, arrogant, wasteful, everything-that’s-wrong-with-America overkill. The things get like 2 miles to the gallon! They don’t fit in normal-sized parking spaces. Hey doofus, nobody can see around you in traffic, because you’re occupying about a thousand cubic feet more space than you could ever possibly need on the road. If you want everybody to notice you, dye your hair green or pierce some part of your face. If you really have a need to drive large machinery, do it like a real man in a place where it will be useful, join the army or buy a farm and grow corn. If you need to impress everyone and feel like a big-shot, buy a Rolex or a $5000 dollar suit or a bleached-blond call girl for your arm. Buy an expensive car that WILL fit in a parking space and doesn’t make you look like a self-centered, arrogant ass when you park it across two spaces in front of Blockbuster Video. Stop trying to dazzle everyone with how big and manly you are, because we’re really not impressed down here. Really.

Thanks, I feel better now. And I think I need a cigarette….