Saturday, August 19, 2006

Garbage Eater

Let’s explore the following hypothetical scenario….

Let’s say that there is a box of Dunkin Donuts that was purchased yesterday and it has six donuts left in it.

And let’s say that someone took that box and set it in the kitchen garbage can last night.

And let’s further say that the box remains intact and its contents never actually touch the garbage, the garbage can, or anything icky. Except for the fact that the box has been moved to sit on top of a discarded cereal box in the garbage can instead of on the kitchen counter, it is essentially the same box with the same pristine contents.

In the given situation, I submit that the contents of that box are still completely edible. And if someone were to retrieve the box this morning, hypothetically, and eat one (or more) of the remaining donuts, that person has not done anything disgusting and does not deserve to be called a “garbage eater.”

And I further submit that the same logic can be applied to a bag of Oreos or Doritos, or anything else that might have mistakenly been tossed in the trash. As long as the integrity of the container has not been breached, the contents are still fit to be eaten.

In addition, I would like to note here that it is extremely impolite to call your wife a garbage eater, and also that calling your wife a garbage eater does not improve your chances of getting some nooky anytime in the near future.

I hereby rest my case.


Blogger slaghammer said...

The donuts would have absorbed the noxious fumes from the adjacent decomposing detritus in the garbage can.
Those noxious fumes include molecules from the accompanying garbage. By definition, you have eaten garbage and are therefore a garbage eater or "dumpster diver" as garbage eaters are more commonly referred to.

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Little brother said...

As we like to say in Southern Indiana...Deeeelicious!

9:43 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

As sad as it is to see any female-type rush to the "no nookie" threats, I can't help but wonder if, in practice, it's actually a "no nookie with you" threat? Giving up on the nookie altogether suggests that the female in question isn't very passinate about it in the first place, and that idea makes the baby Jesus cry.

And as far as being a "garbage eater" goes, I worked in a restaurant for a 'Nam vet once who was a POW and forced to eat garbage by his captors. He'd catch a glimpse of a bus boy eating something off of a cleared plate (happened all the time) and come unhinged- screaming so loudly that patrons could hear him. Wow. Touchy suff. My thinking on the matter is that if youve ever eaten food prepared by others, you've probably eaten garbage anyway. Particularly in NYC.

But that really wasn't what I was gonna comment about. I was once publicly ridiculed by the missus for not remembering Hydrox cookies, and how (allegedly) superior they were to Oreo's. At this point, my memories of Hydrox cookies may be purely fictitious- a false memory I've created to spare me further shame and indignity.


11:17 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Oh yeah! I remember Hydrox cookies. Do they still make them? I don't remember if they were better than Oreos.... Really, any chocolate sandwich cookie with a creamy center is going to be a good thing.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

I just discovered Jill's blog... must say, after hearing her side... the donut was still good eats!

11:32 PM  

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