Monday, August 07, 2006

Suburban Grocery Etiquette

- Do not park your cart diagonally across the cereal aisle and leave it there while you read the nutrition information on each and every box of cereal in the entire store. See all those people loitering on either side of your cart? They would like to continue down the aisle, but they can’t because you are blocking the way.

- Do not take your cart of groceries, so fully loaded that it is creaking under its own weight, through the “Self-Checkout: 10 Items or Less” line and then let your two small children take turns scanning the cart contents for the next 45 minutes.

- Do not stop directly in front of the Double Stuf Oreos and talk on your cell phone. In fact, don’t linger directly in front of the Double Stuf Oreos for any reason at all. Just get what you need and move along.

- While in the grocery store, do not kiss, grope, fondle, or stick your tongue in the ear of anyone, ever. If you can't help yourself, at least behave like a civilized human being and wait until you get back to your car in the parking lot.

- If you haven’t finished shopping, do not get in line for checkout. Do not leave your cart unattended in a checkout line while you meander to the far outreaches of the store to grab those couple of Lunchables™ you forgot you needed. All the people in line behind you are actually ready to check out, and you are causing unnecessary delays for everyone.

- Do not stop in the store entrance to greet, hug, and catch up with Mrs. Smith, that nice lady who used to work in your office, and tell her about your upcoming vacation plans after you ask her how her kids are doing, even if you haven’t seen her in just ages and you really should get together for lunch sometime. Notice that this is one of only two available entrances for the entire store. Notice that the automatic doors are opening and closing repeatedly because they are designed for people who are moving THROUGH the entrance, and not for people standing IN the entrance.

- If at all possible, do not grocery shop in sweat pants that are two sizes too small. People are buying food. No one wants to watch you pick your underwear out of your butt crack.

Thank you. That is all.


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