Wednesday, November 15, 2006


At my last checkup, my doctor and I discussed my (alleged) chocolate addiction. She mentioned that I might want to cut down a little. I told her that I could stop any time I wanted to, but I didn’t want to right now. Then I whipped out a Reese’s peanut butter cup and ate it right there, just to prove my point.

So she tried another approach. She mentioned that I might try those high-protein “nutrition” bars. She thought they might be able to satisfy my need for chocolate without all the sugar and fat blah blah blah stuff about healthy eating here blah blah protein is digested slower blah blah blah blood sugar yadda yadda yadda I’m getting to that age blah blah blah.

Fine, I agreed to give them a try. I was skeptical, but what the heck. They’re covered in chocolate, so they can’t be terrible. I picked up a couple the next time I was at the grocery store. My expectations were raised a little higher when I discovered that a “nutrition” bar cost twice as much as a regular candy bar. I mean, if they’re charging a dollar for each of these things, the bars had better moderate my blood sugar AND taste good.

When I opened the first one, there was a distinct aroma of cat food, with subtle hints of hamster food pellets. This did not bode well. I know cat food and hamster pellets are probably nutritious and all. I suppose a person could eat cat food and get some sustenance. But why? Aside from a drunken dare, there is simply no reason to do that. There’s plenty of people food available. Plenty.

Whatever. I paid a dollar for the stupid thing and I was going to at least try it. Two chews later and it became clear that it wasn’t cat food or hamster pellets. No, I had paid a dollar for a freaking chocolate-covered Milkbone™ dog biscuit!

These things must be manufactured by Purina out of dog food that’s too old to sell for dogs. They probably just throw all the expired kibble into a big vat, mix it up with some sort of solvent, and extrude “nutrition” bars. A light coating chocolate-flavored paraffin and voila: pricey nutrition bars suitable for consumption by human beings.

I checked the ingredients. The first listed was “soy protein nuggets.” What the hell is a soy protein nugget?? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s dog food, that’s what! I just paid a dollar for a dog biscuit and then actually ate some of it! I’m totally appalled. Are there people who regularly buy these things and then actually eat them, like more than once? Gawd, what are we turning into? Is there anything we consumers won’t scarf down if exposed to enough slick ads promising us that said product will make us healthy and thin? Anything at all??

People eating dog food has got to be one of the signs that the Apocalypse is near. Gah, I’m still gagging just thinking about that chocolate-covered abomination. I think the list of “Things I Hate” just got a little longer.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

God those things are awful. I tried one recently. People now will eat anything that has the word nutrition on it. Give me a candy bar any day. What you see is what you get.

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoever likes those are kidding themselves. I'd rather have a smores bar than dog food.

4:54 PM  
Blogger ian said...

I found your post so upsetting I had to go and raid my childrens' Halloween stash and, uh, confiscate several pieces of chocolate so they wouldn't fall into the same pattern of chocaddiction.


9:37 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

You really ought to have a warning that says this post will make you laugh at work and will likely blow any illusions that you are actually working. Also, my vote for the best confection? The Snicker Ice Cream Bar. (Imagine me drooling like Homer Simpson)

12:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never been tempted to pick up one of the candy wannabees. I always just assumed they were evil...

2:13 PM  
Blogger eccentric recluse said...

I tried some of those once, after a fast of 4-5 days, and liked them, (of course, after 4-5 days I would have liked cardboard...).

Nice blog. I'll be back.

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A soy protein nugget. That alone is the clue. If it were real food they would just come right out and say so.

God, I have such a craving for a Mounds.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Next time you're at your doctor's, take a good look at her diploma and make sure it says MD and not DVM! ...Very funny. :)

10:09 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

jazz, Exactly. They should stop trying to disguise dog biscuits with with a chocolate covering. It's not fooling anybody.

crimsonking, I'd rather have just about anything besides dog food, but a smores bar would be pretty high on the list.

ian, I applaud your efforts to save the kids from their addictions. "Just say no."

stucco, Oooooh yes, the Snicker Ice Cream bar. Mmmmm. I'm a Milky Way Ice Cream bar girl, but the Snicker version is a close second. Damn, I may have to get a box now.....

choochoo, You made the right choice. I'm still having flashbacks to horror of it all. Maybe I have post-traumatic stress disorder.

eccentric recluse, You fasted for 5 days and the first thing you ate was a nutrition bar? This brings 2 questions to mind.
a) How does a person manage to voluntarily not eat for 5 days? With food right there and ready for the eating??
b) Couldn't you have found something better to break the fast?

em, Mmmm, chocolate and coconut. Damn, now I have to add Almond Joys to my grocery list.

anne, I haven't seen any furry patients in the waiting room, but I'll check her diploma anyway. It never hurts to be cautious. :)

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

I dont know, I think this post is BS I had to force you to take 1 freaking brownie home with you this weekend.... maybe they just weren't up to Jilly's standard of good chocolate!

7:56 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Cripes maybe I've been in the land of granola too long but I adore the protein bars I eat lol... but then I do cherish a good piece of Belgian chocolate more!

9:05 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

I enjoy the word "nugget". I also enjoy that you protected yourself from getting sued by including the Trademark symbol after "Milkbone". You can never be too careful.

12:23 PM  

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