Bleah

At my last checkup, my doctor and I discussed my (alleged) chocolate addiction. She mentioned that I might want to cut down a little. I told her that I could stop any time I wanted to, but I didn’t want to right now. Then I whipped out a Reese’s peanut butter cup and ate it right there, just to prove my point.

So she tried another approach. She mentioned that I might try those high-protein “nutrition” bars. She thought they might be able to satisfy my need for chocolate without all the sugar and fat blah blah blah stuff about healthy eating here blah blah protein is digested slower blah blah blah blood sugar yadda yadda yadda I’m getting to that age blah blah blah.

Fine, I agreed to give them a try. I was skeptical, but what the heck. They’re covered in chocolate, so they can’t be terrible. I picked up a couple the next time I was at the grocery store. My expectations were raised a little higher when I discovered that a “nutrition” bar cost twice as much as a regular candy bar. I mean, if they’re charging a dollar for each of these things, the bars had better moderate my blood sugar AND taste good.

When I opened the first one, there was a distinct aroma of cat food, with subtle hints of hamster food pellets. This did not bode well. I know cat food and hamster pellets are probably nutritious and all. I suppose a person could eat cat food and get some sustenance. But why? Aside from a drunken dare, there is simply no reason to do that. There’s plenty of people food available. Plenty.

Whatever. I paid a dollar for the stupid thing and I was going to at least try it. Two chews later and it became clear that it wasn’t cat food or hamster pellets. No, I had paid a dollar for a freaking chocolate-covered Milkbone™ dog biscuit!

These things must be manufactured by Purina out of dog food that’s too old to sell for dogs. They probably just throw all the expired kibble into a big vat, mix it up with some sort of solvent, and extrude “nutrition” bars. A light coating chocolate-flavored paraffin and voila: pricey nutrition bars suitable for consumption by human beings.

I checked the ingredients. The first listed was “soy protein nuggets.” What the hell is a soy protein nugget?? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s dog food, that’s what! I just paid a dollar for a dog biscuit and then actually ate some of it! I’m totally appalled. Are there people who regularly buy these things and then actually eat them, like more than once? Gawd, what are we turning into? Is there anything we consumers won’t scarf down if exposed to enough slick ads promising us that said product will make us healthy and thin? Anything at all??

People eating dog food has got to be one of the signs that the Apocalypse is near. Gah, I’m still gagging just thinking about that chocolate-covered abomination. I think the list of “Things I Hate” just got a little longer.