Monday, January 07, 2008

Bad Fashion

I'm usually not one to throw fashion stones, seeing as my fashion house is pretty glassy. Well, it's more of a mud hut really. One of these days, I'm going to splurge and get myself a nice straw mat for the floor, maybe wallpaper the walls with some old newspapers, really fix up the place. And now I think I've taken this metaphor as far as I want to go with it.

Anywho, can't you guess, now I'm going to throw a fashion stone. A really big one. Because sometimes a fashion mistake is so big, so egregious, so frightening that it can't be ignored, even by someone who dresses like me.

Okay, this is going to take some imagination on your part, but I know you can do it.

First, picture a grown woman. A taller than average woman of average build who is over the age of thirty. She's wearing an ordinary blouse. So from the waist up she's looking pretty normal.

Now here come the scary parts. In your mind's eye, add a relatively short, fairly voluminous... prairie skirt. If you were alive in 1978, you're probably not having a problem visualizing this. For those of you who weren't alive yet, prairie skirts were all the rage in the late 1970's, inspired by "Little House on the Prairie." They're big flouncy skirts with lots of ruffled tiers and usually made out of some sort of fabric with little flowers all over it. I had a couple myself, but I was in junior high at the time, so I'm not holding it against myself. I'm standing up now and saying (and I think Michael Kors and all the other judges on Project Runway would agree with me) that very few women over the age of 25 should wear prairie skirts, in 1978 or 2008 or in any year in between. They are typically not flattering to the adult female form. They generally make everything look...well, much bigger. Prairie skirts are for little girls and teenagers who haven’t yet “blossomed” into their adult metabolisms. They are not for the office.

Even as offensive as the prairie skirt was to my fashion sensibilities, it could not, by itself, have prompted this little rant. No, to understand what pushed me over the edge, you must now move your mind's eye down the legs (Shut up, Stucco. I know you're about to say something lascivious.) to the ankle/foot area. Here we find a lovely pair of black mary jane's with 4 inch heels, making a taller than average person appear to be MUCH taller than average.

So you’re probably thinking, “Hmmm, you don’t see shoes like that with prairie skirts very often, do you?”

But wait! There’s more! The shoes are paired with LACEY WHITE ANKLE SOCKS. Yes, you heard me, lacey ankle socks. I didn't even know that lacey white ankle socks were available in adult sizes after the mid 1980’s, let alone that I would encounter a pair at the office.

I swear, I turned the corner and saw the whole "Laura Ingalls meets Cyndi Lauper" ensemble coming towards me, and nearly choked. I was completely speechless. I physically shuddered. People, it takes a lot to make me even notice clothing. I have a very high tolerance for bad fashion, but this made me want to gouge out my own eyes. What was she thinking?? Did she really put that outfit together, check it out in the mirror and deem it office-worthy? Really?

I handled the situation in my usual passive-aggressive way: avoiding eye contact, walking by as fast as possible, and then ridiculing the outfit on my blog. I didn't feel comfortable mentioning my issues with the sock/skirt/shoes combination to her, but I hereby give the entire planet permission to tackle me if I should appear outside my front door wearing anything remotely similar.

Really, just knock me down and take my shoes and socks. Just take them.

10 Comments:

Blogger nic said...

Now I'll admit I'm pushing my mid 30s and sometimes I like to bust out the old skater shoes, holey jeans, and surfer sweatshirt to bum around in, but taking things that far is just WRONG. I am deeply offended. Someone should report her to a fashion show.
Yikes.

How is Slag doing? Okay, I hope... :)

5:49 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

Crocs are still worse.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Ian Thomas Healy said...

Girls, they want...
Wanna have fun!
Girls!
Wanna have...

Ian

10:11 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Too late- I thought it. I also wondered about undergarments, as I often do when skirts are involved.

And for Kara, it's not because I'm from the home of Crocs, but you can't stop me. I never wore moon boots, so this is my chance to make a horrid footwear fashion tragedy. Besides, they are so damned comfortable. When in Kara's neighborhood, I'll be sure to wear them with argyle socks and golf pants.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

Really, just knock me down and take my shoes and socks. Just take them.

But are you allowed to keep the skirt? Or shall we tear that from your body too. (that last comment, obviously, being for Stucco)

9:29 AM  
Blogger Mauigirl said...

LOL, what an outfit that sounds like! I have to admit no one at my office has come here similarly attired. The high heel mary janes with the white socks....OMG.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Cripes~~ that actually made me shiver...

7:21 PM  
Blogger Schmoopie said...

Hmm...Maybe she thought it was Halloween? Or she is heavily medicated and confused?

Good to have you back in the blog world! I've missed your funny posts :P

10:43 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

For some reason, the outfit brings to mind Swedish super-group Roxette. Not that the lead singer ever wore a prairie skirt, but I guess "it must have been love" when your gal there spotted the anklets.

11:16 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

Ya know, I'm thinking you should change the title from "Constant Whiner" to "Once in a while whiner"

7:56 AM  

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