Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Things I know at 40

(or Things I Wish I had Known When I Was 20)

- After you get your first job, nobody will ever again care what your college GPA was, not even you.

- A boyfriend who cheats on you once will cheat on you again, no matter how earnestly he proclaims that he won't. No exceptions.

- Acting like an ass when things don't go your way won't improve the situation. It only makes you look like an ass.

- Nobody wants to be around an ass.

- Regular flossing greatly improves the average dental cleaning experience.

- The fact that a guy wants to have sex with you doesn't necessarily mean he wants to date you.

- Most rude drivers are really just oblivious.

- Your mother will not die if you don't come home for Christmas.

- It is possible for two sane people to look at the same thing and see two totally different things, without either of them being wrong.

- Waiting in line for a few minutes has never killed anyone.

- Just because someone speaks with great confidence doesn't mean they really know what they're talking about.

- An automatic transmission is well worth the extra $1000 when you're stuck in a traffic jam.

- People, organizations, and governments can easily control you by keeping you frightened.

- Self-help books all say pretty much the same thing.

- Never get into a discussion of any kind, on any topic, with anyone who has that smug, condescending, Pat-Robertson-ish, "you're going to hell and I'm not" smirk on their face. You know the one I'm talking about. A person with that look on their face has no intention of listening to anything you have to say.

- Men will come and go, but it's your girlfriends that you can count on. Don't neglect them when you get a boyfriend.

- Neither the size of her ass, nor the cleanliness of her house, nor the attractiveness of her outfit is a measure of any woman's worth as a human being.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left out one of life's greatest lessons. Without a man by her side, a woman is not complete. The Creator of all reality made the woman incomplete for a reason. Man must fulfill his destiny as the missing link in a woman’s life or risk spilling his precious life essence onto the ground. There are literally trillions of unborn fetuses floating around in purgatory due of the willful neglect of this universal truth.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If dumping a man's "precious life essence" resulted in floating fetuses, purgatory would have long ago burst at the seams.
Every nook and cranny of the universe would be drowning in tidal waves of fetuses, damned for all eternity for no other reason than man's inability to resist the urge to noodle his filthy shank.

12:23 PM  

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